((fathers be good to your daughters))

So Father's Day. We got to celebrate my husband being a father for the first time this year and it was fun. He still has four weeks to meet the little human that will make him "dad" for the first time but he's already been the best father.

My dad is pretty great. One of those people that you don't really appreciate until you're older. I think about how much better he made our childhood than his was and I guess that's really the point. Dad always worked hard and still does. He did and does have an 8-5 Monday-Friday job but it didn't mean he had it easy. I think what I've learned to respect about dad is that he was in at 8 and he left work at 5. In corporate America I think it's almost expected that salary employees just stay longer or come in early or do work on the weekends but not dad because he was coming home to three kids and you could set your watch by him. Since I can remember he would get up early (that I know of he's never been late to work) and make himself lunch - usually sandwiches and a little fold top plastic bag of chips and carry it to work in a brown bag. He sometimes has a fork in his back pocket for transporting back and forth to work. He's like a rock when it comes to doing what he had to do to provide for us. Mom stayed home, which of course was a job in itself, and so money didn't grow on trees. I remember dad sitting down with the check book and crunching numbers and worrying about money but we always had what we needed so, job well done dad.
What's interesting and hard to explain is that dad always came to tuck us into bed and kiss our foreheads and say he loved us. He said it other times too. But for whatever reason the older I got the harder it was for us to connect. I can see that reflected to this day in our relationship, it's never been super easy or natural. I know he loves me and he is proud of me and I know I love him. We just somehow missed that foundation of really being comfortable with each other. At the end of the day though, my dad is a five-star dad. I know that he and mom pray for us every day and pray for their grandbaby and my marriage and anything I tell them we need prayer for. That's a dad.

The second father I celebrated this past Sunday was my husband. My baby daddy. I have said it before and I will keep saying it because it's true and dear to me - the number one thing I look forward to about our baby arriving is seeing this man be a dad. I think even more than I want to see her, I want to see him hold her for the first time. He's nervous about being a dad, especially to a little girl, but if he saw what I see in him he would just know that he's going to be the best at it. It's one of the reasons I love him.
Already he likes to make her things (she will have the coolest crib on the block) and buy her little outfits and he's so helpful during this pregnancy. He has talked to her and read to her and sang to her and I'm excited because she's going to know him. I know she will. I'm a little type A (surprise) and it's hard for me to let other people do things that I want to do myself but I truly look forward to him doing things like baths and diaper changes and feeding her... even if they aren't done the way I would do them they're done with love and I want him to be involved in every part of raising her. 
We have talked a lot about how he prioritizes his relationship with her, and any other children we have but especially our daughter(s). I know that our dads are on this earth to reflect God's love for us and for girls I know this is so important. If we don't find that affirmation and affection somewhere healthy we will find it somewhere that's not. He and I both haven't had a perfect example of what this father-daughter relationship looks like because no dad is perfect so I know there will be some learning for him and for me about how it works. But I know without a doubt he will be her biggest fan and she will be a daddy's girl. And nothing makes me happier.

((Lord are you sure?))

You ever sat and looked at your life and wondered if it's right. Not because you're not full of joy and not because it's not fun but just because sometimes it feels like it's taking everything you have to give? Most often these moments happen for me in the car. Between getting up and taking care of the dog, making the bed, making breakfast, packing a lunch, transforming from bed head to socially acceptable, showing up at work, working until lunch, flying around running 500 errands (utility bills, anyone?) at lunch, back to work, hurry home, cook something, eat something, wash dishes, wash clothes, take care of the dog round two, and hopefully getting to things like our garden and checking the mail and watering flowers and then do it all in reverse until I'm passed out asleep there's not a lot of space in there for reflection (add being super pregnant to that and you get the idea). I know this isn't unique to me, we are all busy in all different ways. But for me there is this precious half hour of driving between me and my job. Precious because it's never full of traffic and always full of the beauty of creation.

These drives are curious things. I always call my husband to say good morning or that I'm headed home but other than that this time varies from binging on the Bobby Bones Show (SHOUTOUT!) to catching up with my mom, sister or grandmere, to crying about something, to hard core rocking to some hip hop, to sitting in complete dazed silence. Then there's the days that the silence is thinking silence and it seems like I always come back to wondering if this is it. Is this what I'm "supposed" to be doing? Because some days it seems ridiculous and inconsequential and just temporary. And it makes me tired. I look at the faces in my life and I wonder if I'm treating them like Jesus would treat them or if in my worn out mentality I'm just doing the minimum to get by. I look at Jesus in my life and I wonder the same thing. Because sometimes the moments that are making me into the woman I'm becoming are also draining me. Because sometimes I just need reassurance that You see me, You are for me and sometimes I just need to know if I'm doing this right?

It's amazing to me that the decisions that I've made that have brought me to this life, this moment. Overwhelmingly I am thankful. But overwhelmingly I am the woman that is sitting in my car, thinking, Lord are you sure?

((family happens))

So this weekend we had Baby Shower round 2! It's so overwhelming to feel love poured out in planning and gifts and words. We were so blessed by everyone who got something for our little one and I have to say, she's pretty much set! .... unless you are Pampers and you want to sponsor her at life.

My mom flew in and helped clean and decorate and cook and organize and even took my car to get the oil changed... something that doesn't happen at my do-it-yourself-husband house!...but it was all so helpful to have off my plate.

My sister circumnavigated the globe drove in and had all these cute decorations and ideas and helped plan and decorate and cook and just make the shower fun in so many ways!

So sister left yesterday and I dropped mom off at the airport early this morning and it's all back to quiet normal. The next time I see them they will be meeting their grandaughter/niece. Crazy!

In other news, I got taken on a baby-free date yesterday and we had so much fun. Between Noshville (YUM) and our little chocolate cake in Centennial Park tradition I think we both felt refreshed. Note to self - take baby free time often!

So I'm wrapping up work and trying not to obsess over going home and doing more baby laundry and packing her hospital bag.... it's not working. I blame the baby detergent, that ish smells like heaven. 

((cleaning out & making room))

In my real life, I enjoy getting things done. Anything - the grass mowed, laundry, cleaning, organizing. I like the feeling of accomplishing something. In my pregnant life I may have become obsessive even more intense about accomplishing things, especially so close to baby's arrival.  Seriously, it's a disease! I may or may not have stood in line at the DMV to renew my husband's tags an entire month before they expire. If that doesn't explain the level of crazy that I'm at then I don't know what will. It's like I get energy from it.

Now, I'm married to a hard worker. For instance, this past Saturday in ungodly heat he spent all day outside cleaning out my flower beds, putting down new mulch, hoeing and weeding the garden and cleaning out all of our gutters. I like to think I helped but let's face it, I can bend down or I can breathe. These are the choices I have. But I am a champion at bringing more water, running to get Gatorade or dragging the tarp around while he drops fifteen trees worth of leaves out of our gutters all while fighting off vicious sweat bee attacks. Literally there is no one better at these things than me. BUT getting things done isn't where he gets his energy. He's a people person and an extrovert and he's constantly talking about getting together with people, something I struggle to understand. I always want things to be just us and create you know those special romantical memories... he always wants to invite people along on my big romantic plans. It's comical and it took us a while to understand the perspective of the other person.

Cut to this past Sunday and something I completely understand - after church he set out on a golfing adventure and I had the house all to myself with no one around to judge my OCD tendancies... this is what dreams are made of! I organized, steam cleaned carpets, organized some more, washed every baby item we have, spent a solid hour smelling the tiny clean baby clothes, threw away about four bags of junk all while jamming to some serious hip hop. This is what I understand, I love it. I mean I love people and all but my life being clean and organized is where it's at for me. So sad, I know.

I have told him that I want to prioritize relationships better. Isn't that what life is about? Sometimes in our busy lives we find ourselves saying we're too busy to get together or too busy to come by. I want to see past the busy and into the eternal things.

I think we both struggle with not having close friends in our area that are into the same activities that we are. We have amazing friends but not nearly enough and none that truly want to go camp with us or kayak with us or fish with us that are somewhere nearby. I think it wears on us both sometimes but him so much more. SO, I am going to try to look past some of the "things" that I "have" to do and look for ways to create those times where he gets his extrovert fix. My sister is an extrovert and literally describes it as a high.... I may never understand these people!

So how did two people so different end up together? I have no idea, I think God thought it would be fun to match a roller coaster (take a shot in the dark here, it's me) with a pacemaker. Truly nothing rattles him and he never misses a beat. Nothing gets him so excited he's a jumping screaming mess (although let's be honest I don't think I would be okay with that!), gives him insane road rage, makes him ready to fight, or even comes close to shaking his solid easy-come-easy-go personality. Take all the exact opposite of that and you've got me. So here we are, my feet firmly planted in introvert land, him this crazy people person. Me all dramatic and crazy and him all calm and laid back. Me with all my to-do lists and him with a total live in the moment philosophy. And I have to say, it works.
Somehow in over three and a half years we've learned things from each other that we couldn't have learned any other way. He has helped change me for the better and I hope that I have helped share some of my good qualities.

For a couple that everyone always says we "go togther" or we're "perfect for each other" while we share so many of the same passions and interests at our core we couldn't be much more different. There's no one else I would rather be exact opposites with.  

((it's all about me))

I seriously can't wait for our baby to get here. We can't wait to meet her for so many reasons! One of my reasons, appropriately at the bottom of the list, is that she can take the spotlight off of me. Now, I'm not saying that every single tiny thing in my life revolves around me but I am saying that being pregnant increases the attention surrounding my life and the questions... oh the questions... from people who love me and want to check on me. It's sweet really. Here's the thing though, I'm not one of those people who likes to be the center of attention.  Obviously there are certain people in this world who I talk to about pregnancy all. the. time. - my husband, my mom and my sister. They're probably up to their ears with my pregnancy talk and my belly pictures. See I totally think that life is meant to be shared, I just think I prefer to quietly share it with certain people. Blame my introverted self.

So all that to say, I can't wait until she's here and no one even looks at me they just go straight for the baby! All the questions will be about her and all the hands that want to touch my belly will just want to touch her. Cannot. Wait.

So when she gets here I am making a big transition to staying home with her sweet self. It's a blessing that I am so thankful for and I couldn't be more excited about it. With that in mind, my husband asked me this weekend what I want to do once I stay home. I know that may sound like a strange question with an obvious answer.... catering to our tiny human's every need, right? But that's why I love him and I love us because while that is true, both of us have expressed that we don't want to lose our identity in our baby. We see this happen over and over to friends and family and it seems sad that there is no person outside of "mom" or "dad". Now I know if you have kids you think I'm being naive, but we genuinely realize how much time and effort and energy will be focused on our daughter and we're committed to keeping some of that time, effort and energy for each other and ourselves. Again, I know you're probably thinking, let me know how that works for you two, but we're serious. Obviously newborns demand attention 24/7 and we understand that, we also understand that it's a phase that evolves constantly.

SO, in answer to the question what am I going to do? I have come up with a list. Not about what I'm going to do after the baby, just what I am going to do. From the most ridiculous things to the most basic. Here it is:

I will make time for my marriage. Even if it's just one evening every other week. I will make time for baby-less, baby-free communication and quality time. After all, this is the person that I love more than anyone on the planet and making a baby together is an amazing thing that has and will grow that love even more. I know that the love you have for a child is unlike any other, but I promise to always put my marriage first. For my husband and for my children.

I will make time for my family. My family is hardcore ride-or-die. We're forever. I want to handle this big change in a way that makes time for real conversations with them. Seriously, my family can annoy me and they can sustain me but either way I am in.

I will make time for my friends. You ever had friends who had babies or got married and just disappeared? Me too. Not doing that. Yes, it will look different but I've worked too hard to make relationships here and they're too important to me.

I will make time to serve. In whatever way, however often, whatever it looks like. I want to keep it on my radar that love doesn't talk, love does. 

Fitness. Boom. I've always wanted to be that girl that's in super great shape and can run in a bikini and stuff bounces but nothing jiggles. Y'all know. I've flirted with this before but I've never done it. I'm doing it.

I will pick a day every week where I say yes. Why not? I will be one big head shaking happy yes-er. I think if you stop with new opportunities you just stop. I don't want to stagnate.

I will get better at saying no. Because I'm horrible at it and it's a lesson I want to learn better before it becomes a personal battle. I like to please people and so saying no isn't always natural but it is healthy. Oh and it's crucial to the next one....

I will pick a day every week where I say no or quit. Why? Because it's just as important to say no as it is to say yes. Even to good things. Balance.

I will be a better manager of my home. Sometimes I read these blogs of women who are staying home with their kids and they have it down to a science. Budget, meals, coupons, cleaning, clothes, decor, they do it all. Plain and simple it makes me super sick. I'm going to set realistic expectations but I truly for the first time will have the opportunity to dive deeper into some of these things and make our house run smoothly. It makes me happy.

I will have an open door policy. We want to entertain more, the door is always open now but we don't always plan ahead enough to round up our people. We love having people over and just being with people in general. Now, I realize that maybe we shouldn't have moved to the dark side of the moon if this was our goal but we love it here and we think other people love to get away here sometimes too. Fires, volleyball, music, hammocks, the whole nine. So hey, come over.

I will keep having adventures. Kayaking. Camping. Hiking. Fishing. Hunting with husband (I tried this year I really did but the sleepiness of pregnancy kept me in the bed when the alarm went off circa 4am). Traveling. I think that sometimes people look at having kids like they do pregnancy... an anchor. We look at both things differently... both blessings and both able to be mobile and active.

I will keep loving my dog. What? I told you there would be ridiculous things on this list! Obviously he's not on the same level of importance as humans, but he's so close it's ridiculous. And he's super cool so I want to make sure he's still included. Yep, ridiculous.

This is it. It may not be complete but that's where I'm at now. So when it's not all about me in a few weeks (yay!), I want to know what it is that me wants to do. I don't want to float through life - live with passion! 

((learning the ropes))

I've considered myself to be a pretty chill pregnant lady. My husband has backed me up on this several times by saying I haven't been "that bad" when it comes to being emotional or just downright crazy. I've truly enjoyed every minute of being pregnant and it has been super easy for me which I know is a true gift. I am more of a take-it-as-it-comes kind of person and have just listened to my doctor and my instincts - no books, no google.

Having said that, I'm HUGE about being prepared. I don't like to not know what I need for certain situations such as.... well... birth. At our doctor's suggestion we decided to take a childbirth class so I made my way to our hospital's website, signed us up and paid the fee....... wait what?..... yes, paid the fee. The thing no one wants to tell you about classes is that the hospital doesn't just offer them out of the goodness of their heart! Maybe we're the cheapest people on earth but it took us a good thirty minutes to decide if we really wanted to hand over some cash to make ourselves baby birthing pros.  Obviously you should rush out right now and nominate us for parents of the year.  

So the class was this weekend and let me just say, the cookies were fabulous so it's money well spent in my book! Oh and the information was pretty great too. Seriously, side note, on the long shot that anyone is even reading this let alone pregnant and considering a birth class.....spend that money! You'll thank me.

Like I said, I haven't turned into mom-zilla and read anything or fussed too much about details of pregnancy or even newborn care. Maybe it's my ag background coming out but I've seen lots of animals have their first baby and trust me, they always figure it out. (Yes, you can make the argument that I just compared myself to an animal, no, you cannot do the same - especially if it involves the word "cow".) I thought going into the class that maybe I would be the least educated mom-to-be or the person who is saying "what are we even talking about?" but surprisingly, I realized about half way through the first day that I was somehow ahead of the game. Not sure how this even happened, maybe my husband has been reading What To Expect When You're Expecting to me in my coma-like sleep?? I think it's just that I have absorbed information from my expecting friends, the brochures in my doctors office while I patiently wait, or the app that tells me what vegetable my baby is the size of today.

While I was sitting in class patting myself on the back for knowing about SIDs, birth plans, perineal massage (hey pregnant girl who might be but probably isn't reading, ask your doctor and then proceed to freak out), not microwaving milk, the safe kind of pacifiers, the best kind of diaper cream.... something in my mind started to laugh at the clueless wonders other moms in my class. I'm pretty sure that at one point I poked my husband and said, "seriously?" and you probably would have too if you had been there.

Ready for the ugly part? I was shaming them in my mind for not knowing. Now, I do think it's a little ridiculous to be more into buying baby clothes than learning something about the person who is going to wear them. It kind of is equal in my mind to the people who spend months planning the perfect wedding and don't spend any time preparing for the marriage.

But still, the big question remains - why do we, especially Christians, choose to shame another mother who doesn't follow the same nap schedule that you do, another woman who dresses more revealing than you think is okay, another family torn apart by divorce, another human being who is no less perfect than we are? When did it become about tearing each other apart? When did it become about passing judgment? When did we decide our way is the only way? When did we decide that we are better?

I'm a competitive person. I was raised in a competitive family, seriously don't play scrabble, mexican train, touch football, go fish or anything where someone can win with anyone from my family. It never ends pretty - exhibit A, offering to fist fight my sister "for real" after loosing in Wii boxing. In my life years ago, through some shaming from others, I learned that God doesn't want me to be a judge. He wants me to love. Such a foreign idea but one that we discuss often in our marriage, and hope to practice always. Obviously I'm not perfect at it, I'm still jumping to conclusions about the mother in childbirth class but it's something I want to always teach my children. I think if Jesus showed up suddenly at church or small group He wouldn't be concerned with one girl's short shorts or one man's drug addiction or one marriage's failures. I think he would do exactly what he did when he showed up 2,000+ years ago - He would love.

So to the mom in class, you're going to be great. We have said this whole pregnancy that we want to raise our child in a way that works for us, no one else. So if you see me one day and my daughter is napping at the "wrong" time or you never took your adorable bumper off your crib, I want you to know - no judgment here girl. You do you.

((the adventure of you))

Hi there. You're about nine weeks away from seeing this beautiful world for the first time. We love that you're a Summer baby, everything is all green and sunny and ready for you to arrive. When I say we I mean your daddy and me. He's pretty great, you will love him and he already adores you. He's the guy who says "hey baby" to you all the time but I'm guessing you already knew that.

Here's what we know about you:
You were the best kind of surprise. We didn't plan you but from the second we found out we've been so excited about you.
You graciously haven't ever made me sick, you've made this so easy for me so high five, doll! 
We saw you for the first time on December 5th and it was the most amazing thing. 
You're a precious little girl. We didn't plan on this either, you have a way of sneaking up on us. But now that we know that you're our daughter we can't imagine things any other way. 
You're super healthy and SO strong. Your doctor has been amazed at how strong your heartbeat is from the first time we listened. And I have been amazed at how much you roll around and you are constantly kicking... yes, even at night.

We've been a lot of places together already, just in case you can't remember though:

We ran a 5k together two days before I even knew you were on-board. I was trying to beat my best time and trying to get past a knee surgery and wondered why I felt so tired! We finished about two minutes behind my best time so way to go you little trooper.

Daddy and I took you to Chattanooga for our third anniversary and hiked the Tennessee River Gorge, it was beautiful!

You and I flew to Chicago in January to see the blizzard and one of my best friends. We ate Chicago style pizza and almost froze.

The three of us drove to Louisville and spent a weekend skiing at Paoli Peaks. I went a little AMA on this trip but we knew it would be alright and it was. I think you liked skiing.

For my 26th birthday when I was 26 weeks pregnant with you Daddy took us to one of our favorite places, the Smoky Mountains and we hiked Mount LeConte together. I won't lie to you, it was hard to catch my breath on the way up but you made it to the summit!

We have walked and hiked over 150 miles together. I love to take you to the lake at lunch time and walk. I think you love it too, you're always kicking around when we walk... but then, you're always kicking around. 

We went kayaking together on Easter and caught some sunshine. I can't wait to take you out on the water, if you're anything like your parents it will be your favorite summertime place.


Right now we are planning a camping trip for Memorial Day! You've also helped us put in our garden. It's smaller this year since we will be a little distracted spending time with you. We will have tomatoes, peppers, okra, cantaloupe, squash and cucumbers.

Your nursery is all but done. Your daddy spent MONTHS working on building a crib for you and any brothers or sisters you may have later. He worked really hard to make it perfect, I love it because he made it. We've made a lot of things in your room and I think you will like it! It's full of sunshine and you can see the trees and flowers and it's full of color and sweet books from people who love you already. We don't have everything we need to take care of you yet, but don't worry, we've got a couple weeks to collect all the paraphernalia that comes along with someone so tiny!

The most important thing about your adventure so far is that we know you are a gift from God, a surprise that didn't surprise Him at all. You already love going to our church and dancing to the music. We have prayed for you and we hope that by example we teach you how to love God and love people. I know your heart is big.

xoxo